Kanye Omari West is an American rapper and singer from Chicago that has gone through major changes throughout his music career by experimenting with genres such as soul, electro, indie rock, synth-pop, baroque pop, industrial, and gospel, but he is well known for his influences on hip-hop. To be completely honest, I am not a fan of Kanye West. I had only heard of him from media and I had never really sat down to listen to his music. In fact, I had thought that Kanye West was a rapper that only talked about materialistic values and that his songs would be arrogant. It wasn’t until I had stumbled upon Kanye West’s 808s & Heartbreak album when I had listened to what his music was all about. Surprisingly, the album was full with auto-tune vocals and an electronic-based sound which was a new change to his music as the album did not include his rapping. His music was full of vulnerability. It was personal and emotional. Although this album was released in 2008 and was ranked at number one on the Billboard 200, I was never aware of the impact that this album would have on me.
When the album was originally released in 2008, Kanye West was still suffering from the pain and his “heartbreak” when he had lost his mother and broken up with his fiancée after a long relationship. On top of his personal life, he was struggling at the time due to his rising fame and unwanted attention from the media. The album 808s & Heartbreak was the result of all of the pain that he had experienced; in fact, it was a compilation of his emotions. Even though the emotions that the artist had expressed may not be the same emotion that I had felt, I empathized and personally related to Kanye and his songs. As he would say, “it’s like losing an arm and leg and having to find a way to keep walking through it.”
Since some of the songs that are included within this album were explaining the ending of his romantic relationship, I was unable to relate to all of the songs, but two songs deeply resonated with me on a personal level.
The album begins with “Say You Will” with a distinctive electro sound with Kanye West repeating the word “hey.” Although this song was originally written towards his ex-lover, I had a different take on the song.
Now I’m awake sleep (less in June) or (Missing You)
Hey, hey, hey, hey
Don’t say you will
While this song describes the denial that the artist had felt when his lover had left him, this song reminded me more about the friend that had left my life in the summer of 2010. As a childhood friend that I had been close to, Joon was someone that I had always kept in contact even when I had moved to the United States. Since our families were very close, it wasn’t too hard to keep the relationship going. He was one of my very first friends and it was a friendship that was very special. We weren’t just friends. We were family. When I had occasionally visited Korea during the summer, our families would get together for trips to the creek or would go on drives to the beach. I can still remember that day when we had decided to go to a nearby creek, but we had fought the day before, so we were refusing to talk to one another. During the car ride, we didn’t say a word. I don’t know what kind of pride I had, but I felt like I would be losing if I talked to him first. I don’t know what was in me at the time, but I kept quiet and I was listening to this very song on the way there. When we arrived at the creek, I sat by the rocks while I saw him go inside the creek with my younger brother David. As Joon and David were splashing each other, Joon waved at me to go with him to the deeper side of the creek. Just as I tried to respond, I saw him lose his balance and fall into the water. At first, I didn’t realize how deep the waters were, but when I saw his hands waving for help, I froze in fear. It was just seconds before I saw him getting swept up by the rapid water. It only took a couple of seconds and I lost my friend and a brother.
I couldn’t believe my eyes. I was in denial for days and everything felt like it was my fault. I regretted not following him even though I knew that he couldn’t swim. As he had said, “Wish this song would really come true/I admit I still fantasize about you, you,” Kanye denies that the person that he had loved is out of his life and he fantasizes about them. Like Kanye, I wanted to deny the fact that he was gone. Even though I did not have a romantic relationship that Kanye had described in his song, it felt the same way as I had also lost a loved one. Joon even appears in my dreams. With each line of the song, it was as if Kanye and I were sharing a bond-we were sharing the pain. This is still a painful memory and it does hurt to listen to this song again, but this is like a reminder of the very last memory that I had shared with my friend and it is something that I do not want to forget.
One of the most important songs in this album is “Coldest Winter,” as Kanye incorporates tribal drums to say a final farewell to his mother, who was “[his] everything. [His] life. The guiding force that pushes me forward.”
Memories made in the coldest winter
Goodbye my friend will I ever love again
A couple of months later after I had parted ways with Joon, I had to say my goodbyes once more with my great grandfather. Ever since I was born, my parents had been busy, so I grew up in the hands of my grandparents as well as my great grandfather. They replaced my parents and I was particularly close with my great grandfather because of all of the stories that he would tell me when we went on walks together. There wasn’t a single childhood memory that I didn’t share with him. He was always there for me. During that same summer in 2010, my great grandfather had to go through brain surgery to remove a tumor. While the surgery seemed successful and he was recovering, he suddenly died from a brain hemorrhage a couple of days after he was discharged from the hospital.
Kanye West described the song “Coldest Winter,” as his way to remember his mother because it was an unexpected loss. Like the emotions that Kanye had expressed, I felt a roller coaster of emotions. After his death, I felt empty and lonely. It was as if I had lost one of my parents. The person that had always been there for me was no longer with me. I had lost both my parent and a brother all during that summer. Months after, my friend had told me about the album and this track. After the incident with Joon, I went back to listen to the “Coldest Winter,” and all of the memories that I shared with my great grandfather rushed before my eyes. I didn’t think things will be the same without him anymore. The lyrics reinforced loneliness, grief, emptiness, and sadness. These are the emotions that I also felt (and still do feel), but the song brings back the memories that I want to reminiscent on. It takes me back to times I had walked hand in hand with my great grandfather and all of the conversations that we had. Despite the mood and tone of the song, I just feel glad that I have something that can remind me of all of the memories that I shared unlike the song “Say You Will.”
Every time Kanye West discusses this album and his mother, he says:
— Kanye West
Like Kanye West has said, losing someone (no matter how important they are in your life) brings many emotions. Music will also have the same effect. Even though Kanye West and his album 808s & Heartbreak was not something that was particularly sparked my interest at first, the album was something that I shared a close emotional connection to. Even if the emotions may not be positive (like happiness), I can remember the people that are special in my life. Sure enough, I felt more pain and grief, but Kanye West’s album helped me to cope with the struggle. By having Kanye speak the emotions that I have felt, it is as if I have someone there with me feeling the same way. This album keeps them alive in my memories and I want to take it with me no matter where I may be.
OFF THE RECORD 